The dice.

I saw the dice at home,
while you spun away the night.
2 others stayed at home,
and I couldn't stay another minute that night.
Picked up some old books from a over- filled shelf.
but nothing to eat in the fridge.
Cold salad,
forced bread crumbs and empty plates.
A beautiful sketch of her on the wall,
forever shall be etched in my memory.
She's beautiful I know.
I wished with all my life if I could see her in real life,
in front of me,
in your arms,
or around you.
The way you said she'd make you smile
and both your eyes would glitter.
I wanted to see it.
I want to see it.
I still do.


I saw the dice,
In the middle of the room.
Center table.
Artsy furniture.
A house almost prefect.
Almost full.
Without the two of you.
Am sorry,
I don't want to add to your sorrow.
Nor your trouble.
Sometimes my house seems broken too.
My walls scream out terror and I sit crying in a corner.

I love you.
I want so much more for you. From you.
I want just a little more acceptance
and love.
While I think it's something to do with me,
I just thought of your dice.
You're empty,
Like me.
Like us.
Nothing wrong with it,
We're a world robbed of our gut.
I love you.
And I pray that am wrong.
And you're life will be complete again,
Before you read this and decide to kill me.
I pray you're better off,
I pray love and life taught you better
and that you'll enlighten me with it.
I have love for you the way you are
and I was more so aware of it
when I promised to return to you the books I took.
I felt I could steal, sneak a way into your love
and beg to be a part of your family.
As if mine wasn't enough.

And then I saw the dice on the center table again,
while you gambled away,
wanting to loose it all another one night.
But you can't.
Life won't let you.
It's not that easy.
Winning is,
Loosing isn't.
Trying all you can to kill yourself won't help.
I maybe, mostly am wrong.
But am glad you're living.
Ive turned into some kinda acceptance junkie.
I read all your words. Translated forcefully the ones I don't understand.
Flatter you and judge myself based on your visible ass and everyone and everything else.
I want to be more for you.
Mean something to you.
I don't know why.
Maybe I do.
And I hope I realize it soon
I hope it's not just our shared sadness
I want us to be happy.
Am sorry.
Ignore me and tell me to go away.
If I've said too much.
You didn't invite me into your home,
I took it for granted.
Sat on the empty couch. Saw the dice. Stole some books.
Only to want to come again.
Wanting more.
Am so greedy.
But I judge myself too much too.
You deserve to be happy.
Go get her.
Where is she?
What's wrong ? Why isn't she here ?
Is it our fucked up country ?
Is it the way of the world ?
I don't want to be a part of this business.
Fuck it.

Sorry about all this.
I could've kept this to myself .
I should've.
I just wanted to tell you.
That am done with you.
I don't want it anymore.
I do but I don't.

Fuck it.
Am better alone.
I am better off without my own judgment.